Filipino English: The Mr. & The Sir

Ok, pagkakataon ko na to make things right. Doing the Samoan play Where We Once Belonged today at the Concert Chamber Town Hall, and I was told manonood nanaman si Auntie PM..

Tuny: [Ayan na sya! Inhale...] Good evening Mister Prime Minister.... [NAKUPO! Tanga!!!! Bumawe ka! Bumawe kahh!!]

MP H. Clark: Oh... Hello good evening, how are you today?

Tuny: [Hay salamat inde ata nakahalata] I'm very good Sirestemam! (Ulk! Wahh!! Kase naman eh!!!)....

MP H. Clark: ???

Tuny: Uhhh [Esep-esep]... You may come in now...

Nak nang puting sheep naman, hahaha, kainezzz. Nataranta ako ehhh. Kung inde matupad ang mga bilateral trade agreements natin with NZ, kasalanan ko na po yun! Huhuhu!

Kase naman kamukha naman talaga eh (di bah??).

***************


Totoo po yan, pero kung inde kayo natawa, listen to this:

I am so Confident.. Uhm...

Babala sa mga manonood: HUWAG nyo itong panooring kung me job interview within the next 24 hours:

Nyahahaha... Naku po, gusto ko man eh inde ko makayanang i-play uli ito(sabi ni Gene "Patayan mo yan! Nakakahawa yan!").

Nakakahiya. Well I must say pag andyan na ang pressure at tensyon na parang avalanche, eh kung ano-ano rin ang masasabi mo. Like nung napilitan akong sumali sa Mr. AB:

Judge: If you were asked asked to choose to lose one of your senses, which one would it be....

Tuny: [Naku po, ano ba 'to, parang question ng tino-torture?? Sight? Inde na ka makakanood ng TV... Taste kaya? Ulol, pano ka makakain ng maayos... Baka pwedeng World Peace na lang...].

Judge: ...and why?

Tuny: I personally believe... That I would rather lose my hearing... Because... [Mumbles incoherently]... You know... Uhm... (look sa sky... Ah!) YOU CAN HEAR WITH YOUR HEART!! I thank you (bow).

Mga classmates, gago kayo, hehehe, thank you at pinahamak nyo ako ha (syet). 5 days akong pag napapapikit na para matulog eh, napadilat bigla't naalala ang kahindik-hindik na karanasang ito (parang war shock!).

Pero mabalik kay Janina San Miguel, eh naku ineng, wag ka magalala. Despite the criticisms, wag ka matakot itayo ang bandera ng Pilipinas (Represent!). We believe in you at maganda ka naman eh, wag ka na lang mag-English (my honest and sincere suggestion). Magko-contribute na lang kami na lagyan ang interpreter mo sa Q&A para gumanda sagot mo. Idaan mo na lang sa kendeng, quarter turn at marcha (ilang percent lang naman ang intellect sa criteria). Look at Manny Pacquiao, inde naman sya natatalo sa boxing maski bali-bali english (sabagay, tapos na ang boxing pag ininterview na sya.).

At guys, wag nyo sya i-compare kay Melanie naman, baka magalit yun at sumagot ng "Oh flease, I'm better-rerrr than her, duhh!!"

Kung inde pa kayo sawa. eto naman si Miss South Carolina '07! At least magaling sya mag-english.

Joke lang yun noh, natural magaling sya mag-english (magaling din parents nya eh, hahaha!).
What if she made a 911 phone call?

Filipino English: Da Pimpol

Yesterday, while waiting for my shift at the Town Hall to start, Danielle, an Indian-Kiwi showed up looking a bit tired.

On her left cheek was a big, red...

Tuny: Oyyyy, hey Danielle, you're In-Love ey, hehehe!!

Danielle: What do you mean?

Tuny: .... [Awkward moment]

Tuny: .... [crickets chirping]

Tuny: Err, never mind.

Sa Pinas nga lang pala me-connect-ment ang pimple at pagiging in-love. Naalala ko tuloy bigla si Vincent Dafalong (~~Nunal sa ulo - Mautak daw... Nunal sa bibig - Chismosa daw!~~) hehehe.


Ahhhhhh! Check this outtttt...

Hintuturo, Coffee Everyday & Toto

Kuwento lang sakin ni Lenny, at meron nang konting imbento (konti lang):

Sa isang pinoy gathering, nagkatuwaan at ti-nest nila ang Filipino language ni Bianca, anak ni Lee na lumaki na dito sa NZ.

Lenny: Ano sa English ang... Kasaysayan?

Bianca: History!

Lenny: Galeng... eh... Lambat!

Bianca: Net!

Mariz: Galeng talaga ah... Ako naman. Eh ano sa English ang Hintuturo?

Bianca: Ah!! Hintuturo??? I know that! I know that! Hintuturo... Oh!
Stop Teaching!!

****
My sister, Jenian, umoorder sa Starbucks:

"Uh, one coffee-everyday-please!" (one coffee of the day please!)

****
Naku, inde na pala pwede magdownload ng MP3 sa Multiply. San ko na ngayon ido-download ang hit songs ng Toto like Hold The Line, Rossana, Africa at Georgy Porgy ...

Yes mga kapatid, tratrabahuin ko ang Toto this Sunday. Inde tribute band ha, yung orig mismo, straight from the retirement home, hehehe (nakuuu.. sana sa loob ako ilagay).

Chinese English: Weshisdatoyle!

Habang nagbabantay sa pintuan ng ASB Theatre working the immigrant's Spring festival, me matandang lumabas ng pinto at lumapit sakin:

Old woman: 廁所在哪裡？

Tuny: Eng??

Hayy, eto nanaman tayo, dahil ba Asian ako eh i-assume bang marunong akong mag-chinese??? Gusto ko sana sabihin ang alam ko lang eh Wo ai ni (I love you) kaso baka bigla naman ako sagutin, yari tayo dyan. Wala pa namang kasamang bata. Kadalasan kasi yung mga apo't anak nilang 5-6 years ang translators nila, dito na kasi nagschooling.

Old woman: (lumapit sa mukha ko at dahan-dahang...) Cèsuǒ zài nǎliiiiii?

Tuny: Ha??? (Ewww.. ang bango hininga) I'm sorry I don't speak Chinese...

Old woman: Weshisdatoyle... (Naiinis na, at parang napapa-jogging ng konti)

Tuny: Esmyuskee???

Old woman: WEH.. SHISDAHH... TOYLETTTTT!!!

Tuny: Ahhh, whaydidntyasaysoh... There oh! (sabay turo)

At papano ba naman kasi ito nakarating dito sa New Zealand, eh inde marunong mag-english?? Eh yung ibang kabayan natin maski magaling, nahihirapan pa rin dahil sa IELTS.

Uy inde ako anti-Chinese ha, infact eh 1/4 blood dahil kay Lolo Pedro +. Inenroll nga ni Pam si Julia sa Chinese school at minsan suspetsa namin kumakanta ng Chinese pag inde namin maintindihan (ayos, pag andito na si Julia isasama ko sa trabaho para silang mga bata na lang magusap, hehehehe).

Fijian Engrish: Croatian

Asked to usher a play last Friday. Was being briefed by the duty operations manager, Jamal, on how to handle the event. Jamal's Fijian-Indian by the way, and a bit difficult to understand.

Jamal: So Ants just make sure that if there is a Croatian, lead them all out of the door.
Tuny: Uhh... (Tama ba dinig ko??)
Jamal: Are you OK mate? Croatians are easy here, just make sure they don't come back inside.
Tuny: (Huh? Ano ba ito, tinawag na akong langgam, eh napaka-racist pa!) Errr... OK, whatever you say, but how do I know if they are Croatians?
Jamal: What do you mean? If you hear the fire alarm and see the emergency lights switch on, there is a Croatian....
Tuny: Ahhh.. You mean an Eva-Croatian...
Jamal: Yeah, why? What did you think???

Err, wala (Nyark-nyark-nyark...)

Filipino English: Huy!

While ushering Cinderella, by the Royal New Zealand Ballet, I was asked by the Front of House supervisor of the ASB Theatre to usher Hellen Clark to her seat. Instructions were she will be sitting on row R, and her security behind her on row S.

Usher Tuny: Good evening Prime Minister...
HC: [Inde nakikinig, chumi-chika. Malapit na kasi election eh].
Usher Tuny: Prime Minister, this way please...
HC: [Not listening, at pumasok na lang bigla sa row S]

Usher Tuny: HUYYY!!!!!
HC: [Napalingon]

Usher Tuny: Err.... Hi Madame Prime Minister, the next row
please.

Buti na lang inde naintindihan, baka ipatapon ako nito sa kangkungan, hehehe.

Homer, kilala mo ba yung usher na na Huy sakin? How rude...

My new idol. Yu Tamayaka, principal dancer of the Royal New Zealand Ballet, and

plays Cinderella in the latest production.

Filipino English: The Teka

Si Mariz. Isa sa mga close friendship ko dito sa Middle Earth, at nagtratrabaho as marketing executive/receptionsit sa Constellation:

Kiwi Boss: Mariz, I need you to call this person now...
Mariz: [Me kausap sa phone na client] Yes... Ok.... And...
Kiwi Boss: I'll just write a note ok? I need to go. It's easy, you just have to
call....
Mariz: [Me kausap pa rin sa phone, minamadali...] Alright... I
have...
Kiwi Boss: Mariz do you understand, I have to...
Mariz: TEKA-TEKA-TEKAAAAA!!

Boss: Huh?
Mariz: I mean, teka... Just... Teka... Minute... Teka minute sir!

Ehehe...

Filipino English: The Sine

While having lunch with friends after a furious badminton game, discussion turned to the movie playing on the tele, Kung Fu Hustle. We had Leon, a Kiwi, with us, so we had to talk in English para hindi dyahe sa kanya:

Tess: Uy, hahahahaha! Nakakatawa! Ngayon ko lang napanood ito! Leon! Have you seen this?

Leon: Yeah, ain't it hilarious! Hahahahaha.

Tuny: [Nakisabat na naman, as usual] Hay naku Tess! You know what, Leon loves this so much, he bought the VHS, VCD, the DVD and saw the sine of this.

Ulk... Tumahimik na lang, walang nakapansin....

She's Eva Sheng Yi Huang, an actress in China and Stephen Chow's
leading lady.. Sigh...

Filipino English: Bukas!

10AM sa office, while having Tea (naks) and checking my personal emails, biglang lumapit Australiano kong officemate, si Kate:

Kate: Hey Eyn-thony! Do you know what dey is todey???

Tuny: Huh? [Processingggg... ano daw? Ah!] Oh yeah! It's Wednesday!

Kate: Yeah! Time goes so fast when you're busy, eh?

Tuny: Zow True! Can you believe it, it's Thursday na bukas!

Kate: Huh?

Kasi naman eh, binibigla ako...

Kate sa background: May sayad din

Filipino English: The Toktok

Hindi mo talaga maiwasan, maski gaano ka man kagaling mag-english, misan talaga papalpak ka. Hindi kasi natin 1st language eh, at minsan sa sobra nila bilis magsalita, nakakataranta. At ang accent, syet, parang panggalatok na hinaluan ng bisaya kasi ang titigas ng dila(like ang E ginagawang I, so ang seven, sa kanila zi-ven).

Buti na lang kadalasan yung mga kausap namin dito inde naiintindihan mga English boo-boos natin. Case in point, meet Edmund, flatmate ko (dati).

Edmund: Yoshi, go here. When you get to the door, just.. You know... Tok-tok

Translation: Yoshi(his Japanese friend) punta ka naman dito. At pagdating mo sa pinto namin, kumatok ka na lang.

Nyahehehe.

More to come.

Kamukha ni Edmund(Joke, hehe)

What's playing on my Media Player now. Hay, umuulan nanaman, sarap matulog,
pero me pasok pa ako mamya sa Edge.